How To Argue (But Not Fight) With A Narcissist

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  • Published: 06 November 2018
  • Because narcissists are so dominant and controlling, they have a knack for steering relationships into conflict. Do you have a game plan for handling yourself as potential arguments arise? Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter discusses developing a mindset that will serve you wisely in the midst of that conflict.

    Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author who has 38 years experience in counseling. He has conducted many workshops and over 60.000 counseling sessions. He maintains his practice near Dallas, Tx.

    Sign up for the Surviving Narcissism email list and receive extra videos, articles, and promotions: http://survivingnarcissism.tv

    Books by Dr. Carterhttps://www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-Yourself-Frustrations-Sabotage/dp/0787968803/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1534952299&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Anger+Trap
    https://store.bookbaby.com/book/When-Pleasing-You-Is-Killing-Me
    https://www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-You-Killing-Me/dp/1543935125

    Laura Charanza's book: https://www.amazon.com/Ugly-Love-Survivors-Story-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B07FZ6NPKW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1533043537&sr=8-1&keywords=9781543933888

    While Dr. Carter and Laura do not conduct online counseling, we have vetted a group who can meet such a need: https://betterhelp.com/survivingnarcissism
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    Dr. Carter's other YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/drlescarter

    Dr. Carter's online workshops on narcissism, anger management and overcoming affairs: http://drlescarter.com/video-workshops/

    YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw
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Comments • 3 856

  • bipedalbob
    bipedalbob  8 hours back

    Narcissists don't listen, they just wait for a pause so they can tell you your wrong

    • Dottie Ndots
      Dottie Ndots  10 hours back

      If someone does this to me, like my boss just did recently, I immediately put emotional distance, I immediately become formal with them and adjust things so I can make sure they're not doing me anything they would consider a favor. I do things by the book and make it clear we have a formal relationship, governed by professional rules and responsibilities(yes, even with someone I don't work with, cause the point is for them to know i'm not your friend, I'm not emotionally open to you, I will however do what I have to do, but no more). It's to clearly show what i will do and what i will not and how i decide what that is

      • J Gal
        J Gal  10 hours back

        My narc husband was married 13 years before me. She didn’t want him to leave her & he cheated on her so many times, gave her stds. But he likes to remind me how I am the problem bc of my 3 failed relationships before him. Where i left bc they also emotionally abused me. But he had me convinced I was the problem. Why am I the only one to experience his abuse??? Everyone loves him. Even my family like him better than me. No one would believe me. That he cusses me & tells me to shut the f up & that I need to stop talking back to him. He’s Prince Charming around everyone else. But me.

        • J Gal
          J Gal  10 hours back

          Oh. One of his new ways to try to fight is by telling me he told me something he didn’t. I have an excellent memory.
          He will not come home. Tell me he told me he was going somewhere. Then he tells me I’m lying, that i know he told me.
          He’s been mad at me for 4 days now bc he was telling me about his sister moving, then I said “well.. what happened?” He said “I told you already!!!” No, you didn’t. “Yes I did!” When?? Don’t start with me over this stupid shit again.
          Like... I’m trying to make you mad??? What NORMAL person gets mad over someone not remembering you telling them something anyway??

      • Larry TRUELOVE
        Larry TRUELOVE  10 hours back

        I once spent 30 minutes hearing a narcissist talk nonstop. Their conclusion was that I don’t listen.

        • troy lenz
          troy lenz  11 hours back

          How to argue with a narcissist? Don't even try, get rid of them.

          • Sandra Stanley
            Sandra Stanley  16 hours back

            Prayers going up for everyone who has to deal with a narcissist😣🙏🕊

            • Matt H
              Matt H  23 hours back

              "Communication" with my father was a list of ultimatums. One of them was one I couldn't abide and he was completely floored. Looking back our conversations/arguments were all about him exerting control. He would tell me I was the worst kind of person and I did everything in my power to convince him otherwise but it just fed the flame. Many in the household dealt with suicidal thoughts but any appeal to him was met with disdain aor mockery. He also isolated the family and would talk down everyone but the family but he only saw the family as a vehicle to his own aggrandizement. He always talked about respect, but it was a one-way street, forced praise really. His most common phrase was "don't air dirty laundry in public" I took this to mean he KNEW what he was doing was wrong and decided to do it anyway but it was probably his way of avoiding hassle for himself. I don't think he ever thought anything he did was wrong because whenever something didn't work out it was always someone else's fault.


              These videos have been very helpful. Particularly in understanding that narcissist isn't looking to build toward consensus, they are looking to tear you down. Like tearing out a column and burying both people a room. It doesn't help them but they must either get something out of it, think it's the only way to communicate or think every conversation has to have a winner or loser. Would they voluntarily engage in a conversation with someone that does what they do to them? But that level of awareness never comes to pass.


              In a sense you can't be emphatic when it comes to narcissists. You must keep your energies separate as to not feed off of theirs. "Do you believe in yourself?" Wow. Quite a sentiment. Especially when coming from a household where others would get you to doubt yourself for the sake of the narcissist. Where arguments weren't won logically but by who could dish out the most pain, with there being a monopoly.


              Man, these counter-measures make so much sense but there aren't things I would have ever come up with on my own. I find myself reverting to my failed approaches when it comes to narcissists or just walking away and forgoing what I sought. Be centered and set your own pace.

              • Rob M
                Rob M  1 days back

                Wow, are you saying I'm no longer "Dudley DO WRONG?" Thanks!!!

              • mon2gy4 34
                mon2gy4 34  2 days back

                But this doesnt makes much sense, because every person mostly always, like in a negotions (although it should not be) pushes to their own side on every aspect.. as no 2 persons are perfect there will be always something that we dont like and that we feel that we are putting more on to the relationship, for example, for every reason to not like other person can be narcissism xD, that can be the perfect excuse, to call someone else narcissism because at the end who will prove it or not? there are no judges in this aspect..

                • Court Dash
                  Court Dash  2 days back

                  No matter what you say they always feel attacked. Even an I love you and sorry you are angry right now then they say “ yeah right you don’t love me, if you did, you wouldn’t do A_________B_______ C_______ they are always pleading victim. You could do black flips naked trying to please them to keep the peace and they’ll still find ways to blame you for every bad day they have every curve ball that gets thrown at them in life. If you are reading this just say “ I am walking away until you can talk to me respectfully if you can’t I won’t listen .
                  then go find yourself a yoga class to de stress at so YOU, as there boyfriend , girlfriend, parent or spouse stay emotionally HEALTHY and STRONG if you’re not in a place yet to leave their asses. Self care is the best weapon.

                • Josephine Valdez
                  Josephine Valdez  2 days back

                  Walk away from the narcissists.

                  • Johnny Del R. Souls THE ANTI-NARC. COLLECTIVE.

                    I see, Bruce Lee had it right all along,

                    "the art of fighting without fighting."

                    • MrandMrs Smith
                      MrandMrs Smith  3 days back

                      They never ever laugh, nothing is funny, everything is TOO SERIOUS but they can't see how mental they themselves are.. and how serious that shit is. they are so SICK.

                      • Surviving Narcissism
                        Surviving Narcissism   3 days back

                        Knowing how to laugh and joke can be a sign of emotional intelligence.    Dr. C

                    • Luke Sessions
                      Luke Sessions  3 days back

                      My Dad is a narcissist. He tells me everyday that everything is my fault and I never understood what he was talking about until I got older and realize how delusional they really are.

                      • Unknown person
                        Unknown person  3 days back

                        Aw man, i remember the times my mother always bear me up because i said something that actually made sense and won the argument, i never swore and it was rare when i stood up for myself. She is so scared to lose arguments because she thinks that she's gonna look less "powerfull" and lose control. She's even afraid to answer question like "What do You think is better eletronic scooters or normal ones?" "What do You think about what's happening?" And no, the questions aren't always that stupid. But i just ask them to bond with her. I even actually bearly know anything about her life other than she's my mother. And i just hate she doesn't see me as her daughter.

                        • Sherry Gessley
                          Sherry Gessley  4 days back

                          That's true you put fuel In their fire! Hard when you try to control your temper. Now he be going to prison

                          • Twitching Shark
                            Twitching Shark  4 days back

                            You can't have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

                            • Naomi Chan
                              Naomi Chan  6 days back

                              Once my narc MIL used the meanest words to me.(I am at my early twenties with a daughter).I felt so bad that I started crying in the bed room loudly.Then my 2 and half yr old came in and asked if i was sad and i told “please go outside”with all tears in my eyes.Then when i came outside i found her lying on a cushion n crying.This broke my heart into pieces.& from that day on I promised i’ll never shed a tear because of an evil narc.

                              • MrQuagmire26
                                MrQuagmire26  7 days back

                                It's like they're getting a rush from causing drama and mischief (much like a bully). The more we feed into their BS the more the narc goes: Bingo! I won the supplylottery!

                                • Daniel Bridgewater
                                  Daniel Bridgewater  7 days back

                                  It's pointless to argue with a narcissist.

                                  • Rick
                                    Rick  7 days back

                                    It's simple, as long as you care what they think they got you so the real battle is with yourself and not the narcissist.

                                    • Trevor B Lewis
                                      Trevor B Lewis  1 weeks back

                                      You absolutely do not argue with a narcissist. Just be aware and end the interaction. Its a waste of time. Actions will speak louder than words with them and will keep you sane.

                                      • A Mishel
                                        A Mishel  1 weeks back

                                        Their same based way of thinking is genetic.

                                        • MzNettyBird
                                          MzNettyBird  1 weeks back

                                          It’s only a game if you play

                                        • MrDasilva8383
                                          MrDasilva8383  1 weeks back

                                          Step one ☝️ do not talk to a narcissist

                                          • shady sasuke
                                            shady sasuke  1 weeks back

                                            Everytime I'm in an argument with a narcissist I want to kill them in the most brutal painful way

                                            • TheDon 794
                                              TheDon 794  2 weeks back

                                              My father is a narcissist and it's impossible to live with him. What's even worse is that I have OCD. So whenever I'm washing my hands or doing anything OCD-like, he tells me how weird I am and in most cases...insults me. Whenever I tell him how I feel, he just talks over me and calls me a bum or something. Literally while I'm talking he'll say "oh yeah ok" or "yeah whatever". You can't reason with these people. It's better just to leave, if you have the option to. This weekend I'm packing up my whole room and leaving without him knowing. One of the worst parts about living with a narcissist is that everyone you know thinks that he or she would never do something like that to you. They never know what he's really like because they never lived with him. And when they ask him or her why you say those things, he or she lies.

                                              • Zombie K
                                                Zombie K  2 weeks back

                                                I really wish i saw this video 3 years ago smh i really do

                                                • Pascale Dominique
                                                  Pascale Dominique  2 weeks back

                                                  The narcissist currrently in my life will make accusations when in reality it is an announcement of something she has done

                                                  • Ken9284
                                                    Ken9284  2 weeks back

                                                    Whatever happened to a good old fashioned punch to the face?

                                                    • Surviving Narcissism
                                                      Surviving Narcissism   2 weeks back

                                                      That's not my style. It would mean I'd be just like the person I am confronting. It's hypocrisy.   Dr. C

                                                  • Elvis Edge RR Woodward
                                                    Elvis Edge RR Woodward  2 weeks back

                                                    Just Shut Up n Get Up !! Shut Out n Get Out !! ... End Scene 🙏🏼

                                                    • ItsxProvidence
                                                      ItsxProvidence  2 weeks back

                                                      Okay but serious question , so you are saying to do what we want to do regardless, be true to ourselves but what if the narssisst is the husband and if the wife does what she wants he talks and talks and talks about everything she’s ever done wrong and he drags his children into it and literally has a whole meeting on how they should all conform to his ways and everyone has to suffer because of how he wants to be in control , what should we do in that situation because they don’t want to deal with it ??????? Help plz

                                                      • billy - boy
                                                        billy - boy  2 weeks back

                                                        Great advice. I spent far too many years trying to defend myself and/or show a narcissist that she was wrong. I finally realized that the fight itself was her raison d'etre. Unfortunately, I must maintain relations with her - we share custody of a child who is now having a very difficult time trying to keep the rug under his feet. Love + narcissism = total confusion.

                                                        • William Flatmate
                                                          William Flatmate  2 weeks back

                                                          I would like to ask you what if you are a narcissists and married to one ? Both of you are Narcissists? What would happen ?

                                                          • Marcy Hickman
                                                            Marcy Hickman  2 weeks back

                                                            Mr. wonderful I wonder if you could do a video on an adult son and his mom he is a narcissist and miss treat me every chance he gets?

                                                            • Diane Reid-Lapointe
                                                              Diane Reid-Lapointe  2 weeks back

                                                              You make a lot of sense too, thank you. Now I know why I'm so exhausted after talking with my grandson. I always try and make him see the light and when think I'm getting to him he'll lash out at me and go back to his way and his way alone of thinking, he knows it all, everybody is wrong, nothing is right with the world, we are all stupid, and it goes on and on. If we have a fight he calls me back and apologises for his behaviour. My husband is always telling me to do like him ignore him and let him talk by himself. My daughter his mom just passed away and he seems to be getting worse, he also is an alcoholic and smokes a lot of pot, he has no job and no friends and no girlfriend, this is what we argue about most of the time. He talks of my death and how he will end it all for himself if ever something should happen to me. I know he loves me but why does he keep on doing what he is doing to us his grandparents the only people in the world that care about him. I can see now that my grandson is not only a narcissist but an alcoholic one at that. His temper is horrible, the police is constantly knocking on his door, because of the noise that he makes at all hours with his music, he walks on the street and talks to himself because the world is not to his liking? A very sad situation that only lands him before a judge in court, all they do is fine him...nothing helps. Thank you for listening.

                                                              • Elizabethan Diosa
                                                                Elizabethan Diosa  2 weeks back

                                                                Thank God my father used much of your terminology in reference to my mother. She has been emotionally and physically cruel to me for decades aling with her shitty relatives and my brother. I thank God that he stuck around to keep his eye on things and pointed out the cruelties and manipulations her and her sisters use. It has literally saved my life. I hate that bitch and her family for years of abuse and sabotage.

                                                                • Elizabethan Diosa
                                                                  Elizabethan Diosa  2 weeks back

                                                                  My poor Dad and me. My mom the narc ..bat shit crazy abusive possessed bitch.

                                                                  • Erica Wright
                                                                    Erica Wright  2 weeks back

                                                                    ❤️😍👍🏻💕🥰🙌🏻 Wow. I love this video! There are SO MANY videos on narcissism and this is the first one I’ve found that is not only helpful to my understanding, but is actually practical as well. Here is some advice that can actually be applied with beneficial results. Thank you!

                                                                    • Janet Busener
                                                                      Janet Busener  2 weeks back

                                                                      My cats are all narcissists. I put up with them.

                                                                      • Tony Oak
                                                                        Tony Oak  2 weeks back

                                                                        Best course of action is......run away. Dont argue. Dont explain. Move away.

                                                                        • Nathan Cuellar
                                                                          Nathan Cuellar  2 weeks back

                                                                          DOC. thanks for the wisdom and advice..i needed to hear it from a level headed person like yourself . ive been with a narc for 5 years . im tired of the truck questions and the yelling and the bouts of rage . and then its all my fault . im not perfect and i dont judge anyone . im very passive but she draws me into the fights.

                                                                          • Deborah Taylor
                                                                            Deborah Taylor  2 weeks back

                                                                            this is so true..thank you..

                                                                            • victoria palmer
                                                                              victoria palmer  2 weeks back

                                                                              I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I FOUND YOUR CHANNEL TODAY.

                                                                              • Bea
                                                                                Bea  2 weeks back

                                                                                Hello ..could you speak louder? I have the sound to the highest. would be nicer..thanks..I am NOT a narcissist but met plenty of them...

                                                                                • 88fourLIFE
                                                                                  88fourLIFE  2 weeks back

                                                                                  Well i tell y’all what. This whole world, has a lot more folks like as described.

                                                                                  • Kar3n
                                                                                    Kar3n  2 weeks back

                                                                                    This people is truly mentally challenge if u wanna argue woth a narc better go argue with the crazies in the looney bin.

                                                                                    • Sona Falk
                                                                                      Sona Falk  2 weeks back

                                                                                      What's the point of telling the narc anything if we end up saying "non the less, I'm doing_______"? Please pardon me if I'm understanding wrong.